I Had Dinner With Orlando Freakin’ Bloom

I had dinner with Orlando freaking Bloom.

12 long years of fantasies and my dream finally came true. Sort of. Somehow, I found a way to make it awkward.

He wasn’t as smitten with me as I imagined and he didn’t end up proposing. In fact, I think I offended Orlando freaking Bloom when I implied that he was a homosexual.

It was intended as a joke, but clearly my humour didn’t translate. Dean O’Gorman was sitting next to me when Orlando arrived and cheekily said what a good-looking single man Dean was.

It felt like the opportune moment to nudge Orlando and say; “well, you sound keen! Go for it!” He proceeded to frown and said in a rather disgusted tone; “I’m really not into that.”

First impression = blown.

Okay. I just insulted my idol with an admittedly weak and insensitive joke. I clearly wasn’t thinking straight. Luckily, we both pretended it never happened.

He started rubbing his eyes and forehead and said he’d been at Comic Con with fans all day. He said: “Doing all this is very…”

He trailed off, so I attempted to finish his sentence and be like the cute couple I always thought we should’ve been. “Tiring?” I asked.

“Not at all,” he said and the conversation came to an abrupt end.

Second impression = blown. It wasn’t going well.

I don’t know why exactly. Maybe I’m just not as funny or as psychic as I think I am.

But it’s okay, because I made a comeback. Orlando freaking Bloom was sitting next to me and leaned to the right so that our shoulders were touching. My heart fluttered but I played it cool. Sadly, I was growing bored of discussing Romeo and Juliet (Shakespeare has never been my thing), so I asked him whether the illuminati was real and whether he was part of it.

I figured, well, Tyrol, you can only offend him twice. Might as well make this conversation interesting. I knew it was a risqué subject and I half expected several agents to appear from the shadows to have me killed.

Amazingly, his face lit up and we discussed president assassinations, the press and the American dollar. This time, he wasn’t disgusted. He was really excited, held my gaze and didn’t stop smiling that famous smile of his. His eyes sparkled and after all of the (I wish I could say sexual) tension, we connected.

I won Orlando freaking Bloom over with a bizarre subject, even after all of my failed attempts at humour.

I later changed into my nerdy Middle Earth dress and asked for a photo. He said he loved my name, continued to call me darling and smiled every time we spoke, whether it was about politics, Zorbing or my book Dumb Luck.

I’m not sure if I detect a hidden snarl in our photo as he masks the resentment towards me, or whether that fist is just waiting to punch me out, but who cares? I had dinner with Orlando freaking Bloom seated next to me and our heads are touching in our photo. He is the sweetest guy and I am officially one of the luckiest girls in the world.

Oh, and if you’re wondering – no, the man does not have a wrinkle on him and yes, he has found the elixir to everlasting youth. Basically, they cast a real-life elf to play Legolas in The Lord of the Rings.

That Peter Jackson is good.

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